Thursday, 9 December 2010

Entry one

Envy..which creates
Anger.. which then creates
Madness... which holds no limits.

I am a victim, but I know that I started it.
Never did I imagine that when I started to blog, that I would end up being stalked in such a horrific and destructive way.  I love to write, need to write, I am not fuelled by ego, hits or followers.  I am only driven by a need to communicate with others, like minded people from across the globe.  The internet has made this possible.  I have always been a letter writer, I have always been great at keeping in touch with friends, now I am even better, with the help of social net working, I may even clog up your feed.  The bonus though for me has been meeting new friends, interesting people from varied walks of life all of whom love this community spirit that we seem to enjoy.  The world is suddenly a much smaller place, our issues and problems become shared and we are able to talk freely about them, if you don't want to listen.. you skip that post.

Unfortunately my open nature caused me to blog under my own name.  Honestly I did not imagine that I would have as many readers or hits, as I did.  I also did not think of the consequences of people who knew me personally, reading my "issues" or being that interested in what I was up to.  Obviously  I underestimated human nature.  People were hooked, fascinated by what I would consider the idiosyncrasies of my life.. I guess, I was just voicing what they were thinking.  Many people suffer silently with depression, I never have.  My cousin's successful suicide may not have been possible, should she not have been labelled as  "Difficult, too intelligent, and damaged".

The positive side was that I have made many new friends, both local and cyber friends.  Acquaintances  wave and make a fuss of me when we meet in supermarkets...they tell me how much they enjoy my blog, my ego is stroked, a little taste of semi celebrity status..
It's addictive..
So it begins, you reveal a little more, you invite them into your home, you share some of your inner most secrets, your fears, your desires.  Things you may have purchased, things you would like to purchase.  You discuss the latest products that you have discovered, things you think every girl should know, should have..etc etc.

The negative side, is people get envious, people become obsessed. Even worse people get hurt by things you have written, either with artistic licence or plain and simply ranting about them.
Sadly the person who should be upset by my words,  is actually quite cool about everything.  I am sad to say it is the envious people that have been eaten alive by jealousy and greed.  It has been making them angry enough to become obsessed, stalking my every blog, every comment, even comments that I had made on other peoples blogs.  Even my tweets, tweets that I had made and replies to them from others, all copied and pasted into a dossier.   I had never realised that you could just google somebody and publicly read their tweets, without having to follow them.  These people however must be both following me and some of my fellow tweeters ..  and I still have no idea who it is, well not their pseudonym.
I am in shock, I feel physically ill, violated, watched, spied upon, paranoid... I have zero appetite for food and without joking a strong urge to drink.

I am deeply sorry that I have caused this.  That I have actually hurt people and have caused this much destructive feeling, I cannot apologise enough for that.
What I cannot apologise for is my lifestyle, never once did I intentionally set out to say "Look what I have got" and "Wouldn't you love to live in a house like this" etc.
I thought people might have been interested in seeing, what we had achieved over six years of hard work, transforming a neglected old wreck into a warm family home.  Work that is still on going.
My wish lists were, exactly just as they were described, wish lists.
My friends would tell you most of my house was furnished through Ebay and junk shops.  The same with my wardrobe, yes I wear some designer, but mostly vintage, again Ebay or charity shops..
Not that I really need to justify what I spend to anyone.

This has scared me though, I realise that if these people can acquire this much information about me, so can anyone.  Not that I think anyone would be bothered to stalk my cyber activity, day and night, like they obviously have been doing.  I do feel that I have placed my family in a very vulnerable situation and will never do this again.
From now on I will stay anonymous, I will keep my " glam..hic" blog for daily fun and fashion posts, and I don't really know what I am going to do with this "Secret diary".. I may just use it to sound off when I need to, or to discuss life .. I may even attempt a little fiction writing, just for fun.
Most of all I want to thank you for staying with me xx