Thursday, 9 December 2010

Entry one

Ego..creates
Envy..which creates
Anger.. which then creates
Madness... which holds no limits.

I am a victim, but I know that I started it.
Never did I imagine that when I started to blog, that I would end up being stalked in such a horrific and destructive way.  I love to write, need to write, I am not fuelled by ego, hits or followers.  I am only driven by a need to communicate with others, like minded people from across the globe.  The internet has made this possible.  I have always been a letter writer, I have always been great at keeping in touch with friends, now I am even better, with the help of social net working, I may even clog up your feed.  The bonus though for me has been meeting new friends, interesting people from varied walks of life all of whom love this community spirit that we seem to enjoy.  The world is suddenly a much smaller place, our issues and problems become shared and we are able to talk freely about them, if you don't want to listen.. you skip that post.

Unfortunately my open nature caused me to blog under my own name.  Honestly I did not imagine that I would have as many readers or hits, as I did.  I also did not think of the consequences of people who knew me personally, reading my "issues" or being that interested in what I was up to.  Obviously  I underestimated human nature.  People were hooked, fascinated by what I would consider the idiosyncrasies of my life.. I guess, I was just voicing what they were thinking.  Many people suffer silently with depression, I never have.  My cousin's successful suicide may not have been possible, should she not have been labelled as  "Difficult, too intelligent, and damaged".

The positive side was that I have made many new friends, both local and cyber friends.  Acquaintances  wave and make a fuss of me when we meet in supermarkets...they tell me how much they enjoy my blog, my ego is stroked, a little taste of semi celebrity status..
It's addictive..
So it begins, you reveal a little more, you invite them into your home, you share some of your inner most secrets, your fears, your desires.  Things you may have purchased, things you would like to purchase.  You discuss the latest products that you have discovered, things you think every girl should know, should have..etc etc.
But....

The negative side, is people get envious, people become obsessed. Even worse people get hurt by things you have written, either with artistic licence or plain and simply ranting about them.
Sadly the person who should be upset by my words,  is actually quite cool about everything.  I am sad to say it is the envious people that have been eaten alive by jealousy and greed.  It has been making them angry enough to become obsessed, stalking my every blog, every comment, even comments that I had made on other peoples blogs.  Even my tweets, tweets that I had made and replies to them from others, all copied and pasted into a dossier.   I had never realised that you could just google somebody and publicly read their tweets, without having to follow them.  These people however must be both following me and some of my fellow tweeters ..  and I still have no idea who it is, well not their pseudonym.
I am in shock, I feel physically ill, violated, watched, spied upon, paranoid... I have zero appetite for food and without joking a strong urge to drink.

I am deeply sorry that I have caused this.  That I have actually hurt people and have caused this much destructive feeling, I cannot apologise enough for that.
What I cannot apologise for is my lifestyle, never once did I intentionally set out to say "Look what I have got" and "Wouldn't you love to live in a house like this" etc.
I thought people might have been interested in seeing, what we had achieved over six years of hard work, transforming a neglected old wreck into a warm family home.  Work that is still on going.
My wish lists were, exactly just as they were described, wish lists.
My friends would tell you most of my house was furnished through Ebay and junk shops.  The same with my wardrobe, yes I wear some designer, but mostly vintage, again Ebay or charity shops..
Not that I really need to justify what I spend to anyone.

This has scared me though, I realise that if these people can acquire this much information about me, so can anyone.  Not that I think anyone would be bothered to stalk my cyber activity, day and night, like they obviously have been doing.  I do feel that I have placed my family in a very vulnerable situation and will never do this again.
From now on I will stay anonymous, I will keep my "Absolut..ly glam..hic" blog for daily fun and fashion posts, and I don't really know what I am going to do with this "Secret diary".. I may just use it to sound off when I need to, or to discuss life .. I may even attempt a little fiction writing, just for fun.
Most of all I want to thank you for staying with me xx

26 comments:

  1. As I said before my lovely.. keep writing. Don't let the obsessive behaviour of one put you off. Yes we put bits of ourselves out there for all and sundry to read, but only you and your true loved ones know the real you. There will be those that sit in judgement but if that's what they're doing then they're not worth the effort of worry. You know who you are. Stand by it and do what you love. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a terrible thing, envy. I find it impossible to stomach that someone could make such a concerted effort to damn you, on the basis of internet correspondence.

    I have not suffered in the way that you have, but in my own small way my own blogging life has become hampered and I'm not sure what to do about it at all either :-(

    On Twitter, you can set your account up as private and people cannot see what you tweet unless you admit them into your inner circle. That might be worth trying?

    But blogging is by its very nature a public diary, so I'm afraid we're stuck with our addictions :-)

    xxxx

    Ali x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, sweet you, I am so sorry. I too have been cyberstalked. I also have estranged relatives who pour over my blog and I HATE it. When it happened to me I decided to set my blog up so I could block them and yet I know if they really want in that they can get in. Most of the time I am okay with and sometimes I am not.
    I am so sorry you are enduring this pain. You will get past this. And those who know you know your intent. Those who are trying to use your blog for their motives are sick and manipulative. My heart breaks for you. I hope you are feeling some peace and comfort from your new space and being surrounded by people who care about you.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh boy, i hear this loud and clear. i feel badly that you are in a spin about this, people like you, the creatives, take such risks when they put their art out there, i know all the feelings you mentioned above, but i keep telling myself, if i give into it, i will have a bigger loss, i just keep weighing the loss, gain ratio. i hope you can get some of your amazing voice seen this way, and please keep me in your loop, cause it's a loop i adore.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't believe people would do that to you! It's so sad and you totally don't deserve this!!

    I'm so glad you haven't given up blogging because of this, you would be very much missed.

    I'm so glad we're friends in the real world too and I totally value your friendship. Call you tomorrow, much love xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Scary stuff - I'm constantly worried about this. I had a nasty comment or two but it went away because I ignored it. At least I hope so!!!!!

    I, too am glad you've not given up blogging, and hope you can carry on.

    Lots of love,

    Helena xx

    By the way, how did you find out about the dossier?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you all for your lovely comments, I have answered you on Facebook Helena ... I am trying to be so careful now xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. THis is just dreadful, I know about all this now as we spoke through twitter, but I was not aware of the extent. This person is clearly unstable, but please don't stop writing, please don't stop entertaining us, and propping us when we need it. Anon is fine, your friends know who you are xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was sorry to read that you have been stalked. That must have been very distressing. I would agree that as one develops an online relationship, there is a strong temptation to divulge more than might be sensible.

    When writing under various nom de plume, take care not to also fall into the trap of linking them.

    G =]

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi my dear-Its just terrible you've been violated in this way, you shouldn't need to justify what you have or what you aspire to, just remember this person has the major problem which they will need to address somewhere along the line. Keep your chin up my lovely, don't let them get you down and keep blogging xx

    ReplyDelete
  11. having caught up with Christina am now up to speed....... it must be very alarming and distressing .......am glad you not let it curb your creativity, good luck and welcome back!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. We can't live our lives behind shutters, not if we want to thrive that is. And you Ruby have a LOT to thrive for. The person that has done this to you is obviously unstable and probably leading a very sad and unproductive life. Like all your cyber friends, you have touched our lives and we are better for it. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hiya Ruby,

    God, people have no lives... and can get very mean and nasty when they've the protection of anonymity behind them. The internet brings out the very best and the very worst in people, unfortuneatly about 90% in favour of the latter.I've received mails from people saying all kinds of awful stuff, one man even saying that his life mission was to track my IP, find my living address and "kill you in your bed". Well, because I'm slightly crazier than the average psycho I said "I'll save you the trouble of any detective work" and sent him my address and phone number. He hasn't been around yet.

    But I don't blame you for going private... just hope it still feels like you behind the persona.

    Love as Ever, Shane. X

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey Ruby, god, I feel so sorry for you. No-one should have to put up with that. This person obviously has some serious issues and a lot lacking in their life to do this to you.

    After a lot of thought I decided to keep my blog anonymous, and I'm glad I did. Friends do know about it though and sometimes I wish I'd just told no-one as I can't ever be totally free with what I write.

    I'm glad that you haven't been put off blogging altogether as you're a great writer. I look forward to following your secret diary as it unfolds.

    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sorry this has happened....how come I didn't know about this blog. Took me a while to work things out, I will now follow.
    Hope you are feeling better, and safer now. x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ruby, this person who has been doing this to you needs help, envy on this scale is so destructive it gives me the heebie jeebies, I think I told you before I was found through a website by an ex boyfriend who then kept pestering/stalking MG and I, it was horrid that's why when I started my blog, I chose the anonymous route. Even though at the start I told some people about my blog, in some ways I wish I had not for the same reason as Corte Inglesa.

    Still every cloud has a silver lining you have recreated new blogs and your writing goes from strength to strength, you really are a talented lady.
    XXX

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh my dear friend .. my heart goes out to you. I know all to well the need to just get the words out and write. To think that someone would take advantage of that is just aweful...

    I'm glad that you are still writing ... and these bullies have not won... to the bullies I hope with all my heart they find whatever peace they are missing from their own lives, so that they will no longer haunt you or your family. I'm so sorry to read about M on your comment to Dolce. My heart aches for the pain M and you have encountered - our furbabies , really are our babies.xo HHL

    ReplyDelete
  18. For some reason, I had trouble subscribing, then we went to Europe, then Martin had surgery, then things were busy and I just around to figuring out how to hook you up yesterday, so I'm behind. I didn't know this level of harassing was going on. I'm so sorry Ruth. I hope by now those people have moved on.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think it is terrible that this has happened to you, and yes I loved reading about the renovations on your home and you gave me some great ideas for presents, and beauty and fashion tips, don't let this loser spoil what you do so well. I agree with Corte Inglesa, I wish I had kept my blog totally anonymous so that I could write exactly what I feel, perhaps I should start again? X

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've had a similar tho not identical problem on and off, and it is most inhibitory to have to blog cagily for fear of the wrath or obsessiveness of the odd individual who gets a bee in their bonnet. Anon or with a certain amount of smokescreening is definitely the way forward. Sorry to hear you've gone through this and hopefully it won't happen again.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I just found your blog and want to say thank you ! What an enjoyable time looking through so many sites. It is really nice post thanks for sharing and just keep up the good work !

    Medprax™ | Cars for Travelers | Search Engine Marketing

    ReplyDelete
  22. I just found your blog and want to say thank you ! It is really nice post thanks for sharing and just keep up the good work !

    Greenbaypackers ! Philadelphiaeagles ! Pittsburghsteelers ! Newyorkgiants

    ReplyDelete
  23. I just found your blog and want to say thank you ! It is really nice post thanks for sharing and just keep up the good work !

    Video Lesson ! Full Movies ! Photography ! Forex Striker ! Stock Tips

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wonderful, This is an awesome blog.Continue to keep up the very good operate. NFL 2012 NFL 2012

    ReplyDelete
  25. Find best deals at Imperial Holidays for Air Tickets, Hotels, Holiday Packages for International travel. Bangladesh Tour and Travel operator. Imperial Holidays

    ReplyDelete